Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Post-Partom Depression

In September 2011, I was diagnosed with Post-Partom Depression. This was terrifying to me, but also made me somewhat realived; maybe all the crazy I was feeling was not me, but a disease that had taken over my being. I began reading and learning everything I could about this, trying desperately to learn how to manage this condition. As I read, I connected with the symptoms and what other mother's wrote about the way PPD made them feel. But I also felt crazy! How could I, someone who has no history of mental health problems, loves their child immensely, and has a wonderful support system, be dealt this card? Why? I became very angry with God and angry with myself.

Six months later, I still feel this way. Why? I have struggled with this question my whole life (i.e. why are kids abused? why does divorce exist? why do we hurt one another? why is there mental illness?). Friends have told me I need to let go. Accept this diagnosis, deal with it, and move on. How? How do I do this? Not having the answer drives me nuts. I am the person that wants the answer to everything. To the point that I will read the manual to learn more about an appliance! (Nerdy! I know!).

I have no answer. I simply now I have this disease and don't know what to do. I do not want my family to suffer. I do not want to suffer. I pray that God takes over and heals me and my family.

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